Headline Edition

Record Low Hygiene Rating

A new standard is being trialled in the Food Standards labelling. Previously, standards have ranged from Excellent to High To Medium to Needs Attention to Appalling but this didn’t seem to suit Harcourt’s Restaurant and Bar, Chippenham, whose level of service and standard of food storage and production were beyond the wildest dreams of any fever browed hygiene inspector.

“The food was disgusting” said one local official “Unbelievable someone could even call it food” she added “but that was nothing compared to the kitchen”. She paused here and picked up a bucket and put it in front of her. After a few seconds she put it down again and simply said “False alarm”.

The eatery, thought to be among the worst in the country, is unique in having a urinal next to the soup turine. “We find it expedient service wise” said owner Reg Harcourt “that when it is busy and customers want their minestrone, tomato and basil or consumme, that if, say, the chef wants to relieve himself he need not move away from the stove thus maximising his output. In every sense”

But this bistro is pristine compared to the Cucumbers’ Arms. Manager, Wendy Strife, told Headline Edition “We provide all our drinks and food through recycling. It’s amazing how tasty something can be if you leave it a while and scrape the mould off. And no one notices the depreciation of the quality of drink, because we serve Fosters” she said.