Headline Edition

Gardener fed up with pesky plants

A man who once entered Chelsea Flower Show has announced how attractive he finds concrete. The man, thought to be a plant and fauna expert, has abandoned the bright colours and attractive aromas of flowers and shrubs for the cold, hard and odourless slabs.

“Concrete is the dejour of materials” he said “Up until last year I was busy all year around, planting, sewing, monitoring and watering my bushes and flowers, but now I just slam down a huge, grey lump of concrete and that’s that. No pesky pruning or cutting back. It’s remarkable”.

His discovery came after witnessing his neighbour enjoying a huge expanse of grey monotony. “I watched her for a while, reading, putting on lotion, loosening her straps and enjoying the sun and I thought “I could have that sort of bleak, nature free experience”.

He then ripped up his flowers, shrubs, autumnal blooms and hardy perennials and replaced them with clone-like, bland blocks of bonded gravel and sand. “I still watch her though” he added “just in case she does something else of interest”