BBC 1 - 6:30pm

DCI Mauks

Tough detective drama set in the seamiest streets of Devon. DCI Mauks is a top ranked detective with an impeccable record, assigned to the international vegetable smuggling ring, but when his latest case involves black market carrots he takes extraordinary measures to stop the felons - whatever the cost.
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BBC2 - 9pm

Toenails in Terror

Since cinema began every single effort has been made to scare, amuse and enthral us in celluloid flights of fancy.

Director Lawrence Mook talks of his underrated trilogy 'The Toenail', 'The Toenail Returns' and 'Vengeance of the Toenail', how his toenails have inspired his writing and his films, and his new book, 'Mt Toenail, My friend'

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ITV 1 - 8pm

Octopus Garden

Game show. Bradley Walsh invites members of the public to test thier knowledge of the world through a selection of random quesstions whilst fighting off a giant mutant octopus 35 fathoms under the sea. Winners get a range of prizes from toys and games to lounge suites to refills of their oxygen tanks..

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Channel 4 - 10pm

Women Covered In Custard

Following up on the new craze on social media where ladies of various ages pour custard onto themselves, while a voiceover makes 'mmmmm' sounds. What makes these women do this? What are the social and psychological implications of this behaviour?

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Psychic Channel

Darius The Mystic

Foretelling the future as only he can, Darious makes a series of predictions for studio attendees and callers, all the while carefully massaging his temples with one hand whilst operating a ventriloquist dummy he claims is posessed by the ghost of Bernard Bresslaw, a spirit who guides him through the ne'er worlds of beyond. Read More

All Day Owls

Owl Championships

Coverage of the fifteenth national Owl championships from Newquay. Reigning champion Geoff the Tawney is six points down on Mortimer the Barn while the Madagascar Red is lurking on the scoresheet and the least favourite with the bookies, the Sulawesi Masked, is making a sneaky bid for the winnings of six worms.

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Puff Sleeves TV

The Sweeney

Reenactments of famous television shows made specially for people who like particularly puffy pirate shirts. Tonight the Sweeney. Regan and Carter are assigned to a case, and with every scene their shirts get puffier and puffier until a car chase halfway through where they look like two enormous sailing sails and are carried off into the wind.

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4 Coders

Sandi's Colon

Continuing adventures of Sandi Godswallah who has put a semi-colon in her coding in the wrong place, and now has to trace every user to correct the blunder. This week, Sandi traces her software to a Nuclear bunker alert system, but oh no! Sgt Brainstrom won't give her access so she has to use disguises to gain entry to a top secret nuclear facility. Last in series.

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Books in Vision

Look at my books

The new Margarita Pello novel, based in an 18th Century cyborg hell is reviewed, and then the latest collection of Camus is appraised then, finally, the new collected works of Henri Bergson is digested and dissected with focus on his theories of abstract rationalism. With Dermot O'Leary and Kelly Brook

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Bad Marriage Xtra

Argument Coverage

Live coverage of the spat about the decor in the dining room in the long running argument between an interior designer and an advertising accounts executive. Today, analytical examination of the crockery rattling and throwing from Professor Jacob Longhorn and agone Aunt Sylvia Rabies.

Music by U2.

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Airplane Frenzy

Impact Underwear

If you were stuck on a plane which was heading into a mountain at 300mph what would you do? Research recently published from the London School of Economics say you would have a 68% chance of shitting yourself. But opposing research from Europe indicate micturation would precede it. Scierce in action with Dermot O'Leary

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Pin Number Bingo

Fridges

Britain's only channel dedicated to pin numbers of debit and credit cards. Random numbers are displayed 24hours a day and the first viewer to call in with their pin number must show themselves withdrawing cash from a ATM to win £20 cash. All the fun of the fair and the welcome return of the channel after the owners' stint in prison for fraud.

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Towell Safari

The Sahara

Series in which a towel with an electronic monitoring system is sent around the worldr to remote and exotic locations and left on a chair to see what people do. This week, the towel is left on a small pedastool where an camel owner finds it and uses it to clean up camel crap.

Next week: Newport, Gwent

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Twitchy

Rate my Spasm

Twitches and Ticks come in all parts of the body, and tonight we concentrate on Twitchy Toes. Celebrities and members of the public tell annecdotes and give demonstrations of how their toe twitches ruined their lives, changed their destiny or became a trademark. With Gyles Brandreth.

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Praise him or Die

Rev Soloman Pyke

Praise him, praise him or face the pits of eternal firey hell where you will be deflowered by demons with red hot gentials and your face will be torn off and your arms broken and your bum branded with hot irons as the trident of the devil himself shall pierce your skin and you shall roar in pain until the end of time. (Repeat)

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Library Channel

24hr Binding A&E

Tonights Library Channel deals with the emergency binding and repairs service. It's a hellish environment of split spines and slightly folded or creased covers. Expert Dwayne Buley is on call, but his tough schedule means he cannot give all the books the attention he would like. Contains scenes some viewers may find mildly mundane.

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