Headline Edition

Unexpected outburst by UK Chancellor causes concern in markets

Rachel Reeves today addressed business leaders in a closed meeting but which was as revealing as it was secret. After a dance number, where Reeves did a passable version of “Too Funky”, she went on to talk about the plans for the economy.

The speech surprised many attendees, with it’s constant pleading for clemancy and shouting about how all the attendees were doomed. “many people” she is reported have have said “are saying the UK is heading towards a recession. That our policies are causing hardship almost unknown in living memory. That pursuing the current course will destroy the very fabric of our society. And to those people, I say ‘Well done. You caught us’”. Reeves then went on to present a slide show of everything she had spent money on.

Boasting a lavish lifestyle, all within Government guidelines, she then laughed manically before producing a big sack of coins and throwing handfuls as her audience fled for cover from the tirrade of metallic missles “Yeah, we fucked up, fuckers” she yelled as she increased her soveriegn based attack.

She was then tackled to the ground and dragged away by her white coated security detail, and taken back to her office, which contains a bed and a abacus made out of cushions.