Headline Edition

Scratching Itches to be Banned by Government

For years people have been scratching their own irritating itches. But a Government proposal could make such wreckless action a thing of the past.

“For centuries” said a Health Minsitry Spokesperson “People have wrecklessly and without thought scratched, scraped and otherwise dragged their nails across their skin without a thought for the effect on themselves, or others. This stops now” said the speaker, a glint of authoritarian lust for power in his eyes.

CCTV will be primed, according to reports, to monitor the whole population for signs of skin irritation. Anti-scratching campaigners have heralded the move. Jeff Funk, spokesman for the organisation said “The public have had enough of people relieving puritus with their filthy nails. Passive scratching has caused more itching. You see a person’s relief, you want that relief. Soon the whole bus stop is aching for relief, rubbing up and down with their nails, grinding against brickwork or misuing lamposts. It’s disgusting”

But proscratching groups have condemned the move, and plan to demostrate this weekend through Oxford Street in London in a mass abrading. “All of our members will be bring ants, fleas and all manner of irritant to demonstrate how harmless this all is”. She continued “And I meet Jeff Funk I’m going to give him crabs” she added.