Headline Edition

South Western Trains apologise for enjoyable delay

A passenger on the 8:20 service from Bridgend to London Paddington was expecting his journey to be mundane, but an out of order automated ticket machine may well have murdered him. The man, thought to be something big and impressive in a suit, was overheard asking the Guard if he could pay enroute. Over heard by other passengers, a ripple of anger ripped through the carriage as dentists, tourists, bank officials, holiday makers and a pervert became enraged at the audacity of the request.

As the disquiet grew amongst the other passengers, a plan was formulated for the would-be fare dodger. At or around Bristol Parkway, the errant ticket holder was seized by several of the more burly gentlemen, and stripped of his attire. Then he was dragged from the carriage into the boarding area, and when the train arrived a Didcot Parkway the angered commuters took their quarry out onto the platform, painted him purple and placed him atop a huge wooden pyre, built by miffed cafe regulars. Secured by ropes, a chant began to the mighty dark Lord of the Timetable, before a leopard was procured from the guardsvan and the tariff dodging traveller was devoured in a blistering bloody roaring mess.

The passengers then reboarded and took their seats, although the train was thence running 24 minutes late, which South Western Trains apologised for.