Headline Edition

Man Accepts Award, begged not to make speech

A man in Salisbury has won an award for being the most unimaginary person in the UK.

The plaudit, which is offered every year in the South West, has had an illustrious set of previous bland and uninspiring winners, but this year, the winner, Colin Stokes, has surpassed all expectations with his conversation, observations and general lack of right Brain functionality.

To qualify, family and friends must nominate someone they have been avoiding for at least three months due to their tedious and uninventive nature. Mr Stokes has managed to become ostricised from his entire community because of his dispiriting conversation and meagre social skills.

“I would never have had imagined I could have won this. But then I suppose that’s the point” said Mr Stokes, before launching into a frustrated rant about how cloudy it was and how there might be more on the way but we mustn’t grumble at the end of the day we’ve had a nice few days sunshine even if it was a bit hot, at which point the line mysteriously disconnected.