Headline Edition

Peace Achieved in Imaginary Middle East

“Peace in the Middle East has never been so peaceful, tranquil or enjoyable” said Ahmed Kalil, head of Peaceful ME, a collective of Arab and Israeli states. “Since President Trump decided that Peace shall reign and all communities will be harmonious” he continued “we suddenly decided to abandon thousands of years of bitter confrontation and acrimony and come together as one to forge ahead into a new future in a mutually beneficial and progressive manner”.

But not everyone is sharing of Mr Kalil’s vision. Dwight Nebb, CEO of Unpleasant Enterprises, is worried about his company no longer being able to profit out of conflict and bloodshed. “I don’t hold out much hope” he said “because, really, who wants peace? We can’t sell our guns, tanks, missiles, bombs and gases to peaceful people, and that upsets our shareholders. It’s ridiculous. No one wants this. Do people want peace? Would they rather have humdrum lives getting up, going to work, coming home and playing with their children or exciting lives where they get up, go to work and try and avoid getting blown to smithereens? Which one of those is the most invigorating? Tell me that”.

French Pascal, a commentator was also glum regarding the new cordiality “As a pundit, if things are peaceful, I have no tv work and not much to say. If there’s a fierce battle, however, I’m right there, in the thick of it, sat in a TV studio fifty miles away commenting.” Mr Pascal took our reporter to a large filing cabinet “I have all these platitudes and patently obvious observations to broadcast” he said “and if we don’t have at least a violent skirmish, what use are they?” he opined.