Headline Edition

Petrol Prices higher than Keith Richards - Claim

Petrol Prices are now higher than they have ever been, with some drivers resorting to desperate measures in order to keep driving. The prices have been driven up by conflict around the globe, but many feel the petrol stations are cashing in. “I was on holiday and I went to get petrol” said one driver who wished to remain anonymous “and I found the price to be at least twice what I expected.” The driver was effectively stranded, and would have remained so had not the station owner negotiated a series of degrading and humliating sexual favours from the motorist to settle the bill.

“We get drivers in here” said the Owner of Purcell’s Petrol in Burnley, Lancashire “and many of them don’t have the funds for even half a tank. Fortunately, I am a completely depraved sexual deviant and we can normally reach an amicable resolution out the back over the stock control desk” he said, smiling. “Of course, the amount of sexual favours is in direct proportion to the quantity of fuel dispensed. A quarter of a tank and failure to pay may require some adroit oral action, where as a full dispensation of fuel and inability to settle up will involve chains, leather, oils, masks, grapefruit and a whole panoply of lascivious acts.”

But Bill Purcell isn’t the only person taking full advantage of the situation. In Stourbridge, Jeff Cousins has also found the crisis highly profitable. “Guy came in, couldn’t pay for his petrol” said a happy Mr Cousins “I took his house, all the furniture and his pension”. Mr Cousins looked fondly at some keys on his desk. “It’s not the first time. I’m something of a Land Baron now. I vitually own this town”. And then, leaning forward, whispered “Ironically I even took the last guys’ car”.

Tess Maskill of Hermans Petrol Station, Bournmouth told us “The prices are ridiculous but we can’t cut them. We have to charge what we charge. That’s not to say we’re not delighted about it. The feeling as someone breaks down in tears, begging, pleading to have time to pay. On their knees, weeping. God, it’s so good. And we might aide them. We might not. But the decision is ours. OURS!”. Ms Maskill then started to laugh and had to be escorted from the room by the attendant.

The motorist though seems to lack a voice in all this. Except for Richard Mustard, whose family were on holiday in Somerset when he stopped off to refill the tank and get back to Northampton. “I filled the tank. The price was unreal. I mean, totally unreal. I showed it to my wife and the twins. They couldn’t believe it. There were steam coming off the dial as I filled up. When my card was declined and no mortage was available, I had no option. But the marriage and parent thing wasn’t really working anyway.”