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Politician Speaks of Shock, Horror, Monetary Issues

Nigel Farage has spoken of his shock of finding gnomes in his garden. “It’s shocking to me” said the Reform UK Leader, “that this should happen, especially one of the gardens of an elected member of Parliament. My contact in the security services has told me they have no idea what I am talking about, which goes to show how out of control this whole situation is” he said.

Mr Farage then went on to demand an investigation into the three imaginary tiny men who were discovered sitting by his pond. “They were clearly from another dimension, and, sad to say, I must assume they were in the act of poaching, as – and I know some people will find this difficult to believe - one of them had a fishing rod! I think the people of Britain will agree with me we have had enough of these faerie folk coming through portals or dimensional gateways, and I am calling for better controls on sprites, wisps and shades before it’s too late.”

It’s not the first time Mr Farage has been anti-faerie, but what is new is that he has demanded that the State provide him with a magical talisman or charm to ward off the nefarious magical beings. “I’m very lucky, I make no disguise of it. But it’s the British people who will suffer. Today my pond, tomorrow they are planning outrage, terror and whimsy. Mark my words, this is the start of a wholesale series of fantastical tales of wonder, and Andy Burnham has not even mentioned it in his many, many speeches. Something that, I am afraid, will end badly. I’ve read Grimm stories, and rarely do their reports have a happy outcome.”.

Mr Farage went onto say that the money he accepted from a crypto billionaire earlier this year was the result of pixie magic “I was cursed, my associates were also cursed, and thus when the money arrived, we were forced to accept it in line with the enchantment upon us. Then it happened again with another billionaire, which just goes to show the strength of their magic”.

“I’ve kept the money as evidence” he said.